I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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