I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
