Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
