you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
