you would pick up someone in the library
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize