and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
