no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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