and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
