Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
