Whatcha textin bout Willis?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
