Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
