I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
