He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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