i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
