I cannot find my penis.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize
