I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
