Even my vagina gasped.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
