I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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