I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
