Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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