i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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