There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
