You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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