I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
