I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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