You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
