i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
