She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
