that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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