if you like me you must not know who I am
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
