If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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