Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
