true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
