So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
