so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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