I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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