I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
