do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
