Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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