We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
