you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
