I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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