i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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