My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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