I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
