this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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