It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she smelled like a LAN party
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
