I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
