he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize