Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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