she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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