Can Purell be used as lube?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
