Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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