We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
